When i'm on the ice with these kids i can't help but feel inferior. Long gone are the days when I could haul my 200 pound ass up off the ice and actually land an axel or a double salchow. Long gone are the days when I could skate at full speed for an hour and not get winded or tired.
I struggle. I mean I really struggle. I look at pictures and videos of myself skating and the struggle is so obvious. I look scared, I barely leave the ice when I jump, and my spins are a disaster of mis-balance and poor edge control. I'm slow...so slow and even when I feel like i'm going fast, i'm really going about half a mile an hour. It's so frustrating.
It's probably why I like skating by myself so much. When I'm here alone, there's no one watching me fail. I can be the skater I am in my mind instead of the one I am in actuality. The skater in my mind has beautiful deep edges, solid jumps, and beautiful spins. The skater I am in actuality is shaky, nervous, and really...just sad.
It's better with synchro because I dont' feel like I'm the worst skater on the team. I'm nowhere near the best skater, but I keep up and know what I'm doing for the most part. But when I'm out on the ice practicing my Moves in the Field or my Freestyle, I'm just...slow, old, fat, and akward. It gets really old feeling this way. Really old.
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